I worte this a good month ago and I don’t know why I didn’t post it, but… here it is now!
Well, Monday was a doozy. Hmm, my auto-spell-check didn’t mark that one! I don’t think I’ve ever written “doozy” before…
I was going to tell you something I failed at and something I did well every day, but I failed at telling you.
I failed at quite a few things on Monday. My husband and I had one of our biggest fights ever. I said a ton of things I never should have said. It was a huge mess.
And then. I realized what was happening.
My husband is a really respectable guy. I really admire him, especially for his deep desire not to get stuck, but always be bettering himself and moving forward.
We had been dating for maybe a week when he called and told me he’d found a mentor to go to about our relationship and life and his mentor recommended we start reading Love and Respect.
So we did. A week into dating we were already preparing for the worst! Ha!
Honestly, we only read the first five chapters. By then we already felt like we were rereading the first two. But the very beginning opened our eyes to something amazingly helpful. It’s called the crazy cycle.
The basic idea of the crazy cycle is that when one person doesn’t get his or her need met, they respond by trying to MISS meeting the other person’s need. So if it’s true that Men need Respect and Women need Love, it looks like this:
He doesn’t feel respected –> he acts UNloving –> she doesn’t feel loved –> she acts DISrespecting –> he doesn’t feel respected –> he acts UNloving and on and on and on.
And it will continue that way FOREVER. Until someone decides to break it:
He doesn’t feel respected –> he LOVES anyway
She doesn’t feel loved –> she RESPECTS anyway
That’s the ONLY way to get out of it!
So after arguing for an hour I finally said, “Oh my gosh! We’re in a crazy cycle!”
He rolls his eyes. (We’re in DEEP you guys.)
“Well, somebody has to break the cycle, right?”
“It’s always my responsibility to break it, it’s up to you this time.” He says.
What he say may or may not be true, but something about seeing the crazy cycle hit me hard. As soon as I start acting the way he needs me to–like, with COMPASSION?–the crazy cycle starts to end, and isn’t that what I want?
I didn’t deny anything I’d said or accept that “he always breaks first”, but I started changing the way I spoke. Don’t get me wrong, I was still at least 40% bitch for another half an hour–thank goodness the kids were asleep–but I was aiming for reconciliation. And I was giving him the chance to do the same.
So, this is a major turn from how I thought this first week of blogging would go, but it’s also real life. I fight with my husband.
And you know what? Three days later we’re still trucking. Life’s still hard and we don’t always agree, but we’re showing each other Grace.
God is setting us free by extending his great Grace, too.